Is it wrong to be easily available for everyone around you? For the last 40 years, this question had raised in my mind many a times but I always calmed down myself saying there is nothing wrong in being so when you value people and relationships more than anything else. I am sure just like me, you also might have experienced this confusion at least once in your life at some point of time, isn’t it? Is it fine to be too much available for everyone all the time? This question might have mixed answers or reviews based on individual’s experience in their own lives. But no one would deny to the fact that excessiveness of anything might harm you or hurt your emotions. I am not writing this today in a generic sense but it is all about what I have experienced and gone through in my entire life of 40 years. It’s not that I have realized this now, but maybe it has reached to a maximum level of tolerance within myself. Here, I would not generalize the things with respect to the topic but purely share my thoughts and experience about it which I have been feeling from too long. This is purely my personal perception and not intended to hurt anyone else’s emotions or thoughts with respect to this.

I remember when I was in my school days, I used to be first to jump into any of my friends’ problems, even before they asked for help. It was not because I would have got some benefit out of it but that was my nature. I never used to feel nice seeing anyone in pain and used to do whatever I could to make them feel better. It might be genetic as I have seen my mom being so with everyone in the family, irrespective of how they treat her. I can never match her level of kindness and humanity for sure but at least some part of it was into me. There were times in school when I helped my friends with few things which made them happy, irrespective of sometimes I ended up hurting my own emotions in the process. But never quoted this to anyone, rather than I convinced myself that my friends are happy so should I be. Years passed and this nature of me became a habit. Few times, it really did give me wonderful returns in the form of affection and respect for what I did for people around without any selfish reasons. This really made me feel very special at those times. But it does not happen all the time and yes, this is the bitter truth of life that people are more likely to take you for granted if you are easily available and accessible to them all the time. No hard feelings on anyone, but if I don’t vent it now, I would never be able to gain my self-esteem back in my life. There have been many times in my life in past where I was in pain and wanted someone next to me to understand this, pacify me and give me little confidence that they are available for me. Many of my friends always say this from many years but in practical, does this really happen? May be happened once or twice, but not definitely all the time whenever I needed them to be with me. Every time I had been in pain or when I expected someone to be just there for me no matter what, everyone was busy with their own priorities. I don’t say that’s wrong, everyone has right to prioritize things as per their needs and wish but the feeling that no one is there for me when I need someone has been hitting me hard for years and still continues to be so.

I always feel and share this with my closest friends around that people are available for me as per their convenience and not really when I need someone. It is always about their priorities, their possibilities, their issues, their responsibilities and the list would go on. And after all these, if they have some free time, they would come to me to check if I exist or not.  Be it family or friends, I agree that no one can be there with you in person all the time. I am not that immature as well to expect this. I am more concerned about people being there for me emotionally. Sometimes, I am forced to think don’t I have a family, don’t I have responsibilities, possibilities, priorities in my life? Then why am I not able to give these as excuses to the people and just make myself available for everyone all the time? Is it a strength or a weakness? May be a strength to them but weakness for me as it has not gained me anything apart from heartbreaks and pain in my life.

The phone rings, and I pick it up right away. I get a message on my phone, irrespective of where I am or what am I doing, I reply back to people as soon as I see their message. Someone comes and asks me for a favor or some help, I just say yes and just jump in. And yes guys, I have been doing this for last so many years and nothing has changed the way it made me feel every time. But how long is the question? Why am I not doing anything about it is the question I always put to myself? But again, the same weakness of convincing myself saying people and relation comes into picture. Being available to a friend or someone in need or willing to pitch in a difficult situation is a good thing, at least I have always been taught the same by my elders. But constantly living my life this way comes with a cost is what they missed teaching me and I had learned it many a times in my life myself and that too in a very hard way. One thing I have learned in this process, which is the mere fact of life it that you cannot be everything to everyone. So, people are invariably left disappointed and so am I. I don’t say that there is no one there for me, it’s just about who understands your inner feelings and make themselves available for you at that point of time. When I say being available for me doesn’t always seem physical but might be available emotionally as well. I might not seem to be fair to all but as I said I am putting everything here which is purely my perception towards things and moreover my personal experiences which made me feel so, that’s it.

In today’s world, everyone is expected to do it all. But the truth is that we are a human being – a mere mortal and that our resources are finite. We need to make ourselves understand our own limits. And when we are dealing with a limited quantity of anything, we need to plan how we are going to use that thing to its maximum potential. In other words, it’s time to evaluate your priorities and what truly is (and isn’t) a good use of your limited resources. I have understood this hard reality of life that if I am making myself easily available and accessible to all, gradually at one point of time, I would lose my importance, and this would shatter my confidence and break me inside completely. May be finally, after fighting with these emotions for so many years, I can now say that I am ready to accept these and pull myself back from being easily available to others. I know this is not easy for me to change something which I have been doing for so long, but nothing comes free of cost, when we have a strong will to achieve something for us, we need to work hard towards it and earn that thing. Self-esteem also is one important and essential thing for me in my life and hence am glad that at least I am now willing to put the efforts and earn this back into my life with a positive mindset.

I need to understand what’s not there in my lane. I know I have commitments I have responsibilities to uphold. I am bound to abide by the agreed-upon rules of the relationships in my life and to follow through on the promises I have already made. I need to learn to be my own best friend. I would never want to see my friend suffering under the burden of endless to do lists. And I certainly wouldn’t be the person who dumps task after task on that friend – making her feel bad about her limitations while not expressing gratitude for what she’s done above and beyond the call of duty. So why do I do that to myself? I feel it’s high time that I start treating myself the way I treat my dear ones. I should put myself back on the list of my priorities. And above everything else, it is important to teach people how they treat me. When I would value myself, my time, my priorities and my well-being, people will be more inclined to treat me as valuable. I know that this would not be easy to achieve but I have always believed that there is no such thing which can’t be achieved. It’s only about putting the right efforts in a right way and having a belief that we can do that. Of course, in the process of achieving this utmost satisfaction for myself, I might have to deal with some boundary busters in my life. These are the people who truly don’t care about my needs, my limitations, my priorities or my emotions. Initially, it might really be difficult for me to say a no to someone when I actually feel like saying yes as I am habituated to it. But again, I need to understand that the solution might not be necessarily easy for someone with empathy to do. I should start learning to convince myself that the other person’s reaction to my perfectly reasonable no is their problem and I shouldn’t be cursing myself about it.

 “Love yourself enough to set boundaries in your life. Your time and energy are precious and you get to decide how you use them. You treat people how to treat you by deciding what you will and won’t accept” – Anna Taylor.

I love this quote by Anna Taylor and I can so relate to myself in the present state of mind. I don’t want people or relationships in my life have any kind of negative impact because of my emotional and weak state of mind. I just want to allow myself to set up positive and healthy boundaries. To say no to what does not align with my values and to say yes to what does. I am clear to set boundaries about having the courage to love myself even if I take a risk of disappointing others, at least sometimes if not all the time. I don’t deny that few people in my life really push me hard to be best of myself all the time. They understand and bear all my tantrums and mood swings because of these emotional break downs in my life for various reasons. I still say and believe that people and relationships are more important to me than other things in my life, but I would still take a back step sometimes to define my self-esteem and self-valued emotions for my internal happiness.

Most of time, in general, people focus on the physical health and don’t give that high importance to the emotional well-being for themselves or others. But, friends, let me tell you one greatest lesson life has thrown on me multiple times. Being emotionally strong and healthy is equally important as the physical health. People call it mental health, but I define it as emotional health as this seems to be more positive for myself. Emotional health is not a destination, but a continuous process. It’s all about how I drive my life and not where I am intended to go. Everyone has wounds that never show on the body, but they are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds. I have seen that many people hesitate in telling others about their emotional state as openly as they talk about the physical health issues. Maybe, even, I was one of those people until recent times. Though I have had anxiety and emotional break down issues for quite few times in my past, I have never openly spoken about it to anyone and struggled to fight and overcome it myself.

Now as I enter into my 40s, I realize that it is ok not to be ok all the time. Our emotions, our feelings, our strengths or our weaknesses are always not in our favor and that’s absolutely fine. I don’t need to hesitate or feel bad about talking these things openly. Recently, my mindset has been really behaving weird. I don’t know if these are the outcomes of the hormonal changes in the body because of the age or the result of few emotional imbalances I have been facing in few relationships of life. But everything coming together at a time, it has been hitting me really hard. Last few months have not been easy on me to face few unexpected incidents in my life, few expected heartbreaks, some sudden developments and few not so expected twists in my life. I will not say that everything happened was negative or painful. Few bonds and attachments have given meaning to my existing void life but again the influence of the other strong negative emotions make me fear of losing these as well going ahead. They say right, that mind doesn’t have heart and the heart can’t think practically as it does not have brain. This is funny but true. Few statements like we should not have expectations from people, and all are good to just read in books. But in reality, it actually doesn’t work out. After all we all humans right. So, when we are emotionally connected to someone, it is but obvious that we would have at least minimum expectations from that person. I feel if there are no emotions and expectations in any kind of emotional relationship, what is the purpose of being in it. I have personally experienced this many a times in my life. At one point of time, I used to tell people that having lot of expectations would not give them anything than just pain and heartbreaks. Of course, this was at the time when I was not that emotionally invested in things or people around me and hence it was easy for me to give suggestions to others. But if I talk about the present me, I will not hesitate to accept the fact that my emotional state of mind is not the same anymore. May be because of the circumstances or the life experiences or the age factor, I have surprisingly turned out to be sensitive and emotional towards few things and few relationships. Why? I am still doing my research to find out the answer to this and would surely share with you all if at all I am able to analyze the same. Jokes apart, but the present situation in which I see myself is not so positive and favoring one. This change in my mindset has made me get into the emotional zone most of the times. But that doesn’t again mean that I am connected to everyone around me. There is always this comfort zone for each one of us which makes us connect with those people emotionally. So is the case with me as well.

You might think what is the problem if I am connected with someone emotionally, right? The answer to this question might differ from person to person. For me, I would say it is both half and half. It means sometimes it might be good and healthy for me but sometimes, it does tear apart the peace of mind for me as well as for the opposite person. I am still trying to understand few basic realities of the mindset of people around me. If I put my 100% in any relationship from my end, is it unfair to expect at least a bit from the other person? I think it’s a fair expectation or else the relationship can be seen as just a one sided one and there is no point of having it at all. When I say relationship, it can be anything and not just any specific one. It is like only if both the hands come together in equal proportion and in the same direction, we can clap. I feel only if there is equal amount of willingness and interest from both the sides, there will be a possibility to have a genuine relationship or else it will be for just namesake or may be carried for temporary happiness of either or both of them. I might again be blunt in saying this but am sure no one would deny to accept it. Can you have same feelings or same level of emotions with two people? My answer would be a straight no. The intensity or the intention would always defer. I always tell people around not to travel on two boats at the same time. It will not help you to travel for a long time in that way. It might sometime be difficult but important to choose any one boat and yes, this would only happen if you are clear of what you want and what your priority is. I have of course never experienced this for myself but have seen people coming to me going through this confusion. This always made me think if they are in a relationship already or like someone at some corner of their heart, why would they develop the same feeling towards me and vice versa. It is too confusing for me to decide what is what but as I have never put myself in this box, might be difficult for me to think of a possible solution for this. So, I just could suggest the other people to think and do what would make them happy. I would say it is always good to follow your heart when it is related to your emotions and feelings. No suggestions or advices would help you to get a clear picture of what is what and moreover you are the best person to understand what your heart needs. Again, all this what I have been talking about is not in a generic sense and I am penning down only my real time experiences in life. All this has not been easy for me. I am still going through some difficult battles within myself while dealing with these feelings, emotions, bondings, relations, pain and the list goes on.

After all these, I have broken down emotionally which further shattered my confidence levels, and I started feeling more anxious and depressed. I could see unimaginable mood swings and the battle of emotions inside me, which sometimes am unable to even explain it to anyone. People who really are very close to me and do understand me in and out are no doubt able to make it and are trying to make me feel better. But again, the question is how long would they do, can they be available or accessible for me day in day out all the time? No. It is definitely not possible for anyone, and I need to accept this no matter what. Above, I was talking about respecting the boundaries of other people right. But lately, I realize that I have not been following this practically myself. Then, what right do I have to tell this to others when I myself am not following them. Even after knowing all these realities of life, I still continued to have expectations from everyone and when those were not met, I started putting myself in lot of pain. Because of all this, I was hurting myself and others as well. I had no clue whom to talk to about all this, who will understand even if I talk about all this and who can help me pull me out of all these things?  All I knew was I am fine not fine and needed help. One day suddenly I decided to just go and see a therapist. That was not an easy decision, but I had to do this for myself, if not for anyone else in the world. After couple of therapy sessions with my therapist, I realized that I am not able to be fair and real in front of her. Then, what is the point of spending so much of time and money was one doubt in my mind. But as a passing cloud, it did help me to an extent to suppress my emotions and feel better temporarily at that point of time. But after few days, once I got used to being fine and normal, the same cycle started repeating. The same set of emotions and expectations kept popping up in my mind and were bothering me in and out. This made me behave weirdly with people around and sometimes, it made them feel upset about it. In this whole process, I realized that neither I am being happy with myself, nor I am allowing others to have a reason to be happy with me. They say that a real heartbreak changes people and not necessarily always in a negative way. Few emotions give us pain at that moment but help us to get more stronger going forward. And this is what exactly happened with me. Sometimes painful things can teach the lessons that we didn’t think we needed to know.

But in this process of this self-healing and self-managing, I understand one thing very clearly. If we tune our mind as per what we want to do, it would surely follow the instructions. The only thing we need to do is put the right kind of efforts for the right amount of time. This might not happen overnight and might take long time but never mind, as at the end, it will always be a win-win situation.

“We do not heal the past by dwelling there; we heal the past by living fully in the present” – Marianne Williamson. It’s quite easy to get caught up in the negative emotions associated with bad things that happen to us. But it is really important for each one of us to accept the situation and move on with a smile on our face. Put it behind us and prove to the world that we are more than OKAY. We are strong and amazing. A smile can really empower us. It can cause our brain to release happy chemicals that would make us feel good and help us move on from a negative situation. A smile is the best thing we can do for ourselves after we accept the situation. I have promised myself, no matter what I will not let others’ actions define my happiness going forward. I would have my own set of strong reasons to define my own happiness in life. Life is very unpredictable. Only today is mine and I really don’t know what tomorrow has for me. I cannot keep crying for something which might never happen at all in life. I have come to a point where if people value me, I am happy and if they don’t, still I want to be happy. If someone talks to me, I will happily talk and if someone does not want to talk, I will happily take a back step. If someone messages me, I will reply and if they don’t, that’s still fine. May be, gradually I will get used to not getting those messages and calls as I expect and then I would stop waiting for those. I am learning to control my thoughts, practice self-care and self-love, develop more kindness and compassion and above everything else, become a new ME!