There’s a quote by Rumi that struck me recently: “Don’t get lost in your pain, know that one day your pain will become your cure.”
To allow that transformation, sometimes we need silence. A sacred space where thoughts settle, feelings unfold, and healing begins—not through words, but through stillness. In a world that glorifies vulnerability, there’s often an unspoken pressure to share, to be open, to “talk it out.” And while communication is vital, I’ve come to believe that choosing not to share can be just as powerful as choosing to speak.
It is not about hiding or suppressing emotions—it’s about giving them room to breathe without the noise of opinions, expectations, or misunderstanding. It’s about reclaiming your inner space to process things at your own pace. There are moments when language falls short—when what you’re feeling is too raw, too tangled, or too sacred to be wrapped in words. In those times, silence seems to be the better option.
It’s never easy to accept a shift in your emotional state, but even then, it’s better to choose this shift. It’s okay to protect your peace when you realize that your thoughts and emotions are creating expectations that may not be met, expectations that, if left unchecked, could lead to disappointment or emotional imbalance.
Recently, I’ve felt this emotional shift unfolding in me, almost out of nowhere. It’s been confusing at times, even uncomfortable, but deep down I know it’s something I need to step back, reassess, and realign with what truly feels right for me. Maybe this is the best way to deal with my confused and imbalanced emotions without hurting myself or the other person in the process. People started noticing this shift and feel puzzled by the sudden change in my behaviour or emotional availability. They even tried to ask and understand what changed. But the truth is, I don’t have a clear explanation or a fair justification to offer.
As with many things in my life, I’m simply following my gut. And right now, my instinct tells me that this quiet, inward shift is necessary—not as a rejection of connection, but as an act of emotional clarity and self-preservation.
Recognizing this within yourself is not a weakness – it’s wisdom. It’s emotional maturity. And when you reach that point of clarity, choosing to make that internal shift might just be the best act of self-care you can offer yourself.
Is Silence a Strength or a Shield? – It can be both
Silence, when rooted in awareness, is strength. It’s the calm confidence of knowing that not every storm inside you needs to be broadcasted to the world. Sometimes, silence is the space where clarity is born. It allows you to pause, reflect, and respond intentionally rather than react impulsively.
For instance, there was a time when I felt deeply upset by an unexpected action from someone very close to me. It caught me off guard, not because it was cruel or intentional, but because it felt out of alignment with the bond we shared. I withdrew, emotionally. I went quiet.
Later, when I gave it some thought, I realized that maybe their actions weren’t meant to hurt me at all. Maybe it wasn’t intentional. But even then, I couldn’t fully convince my heart of that truth. My mind tried to rationalize, to explain, to calm, but the emotional sting lingered.
That’s when I started to see the root of it – over-expectations. Perhaps I had placed the person on a pedestal too high, expecting a level of sensitivity or presence that they never agreed to uphold. And that isn’t fair—neither to them, nor to me.
So, I slipped into silence. Not to punish or distance, but to protect—to keep myself from saying things I might regret, to process my feelings without dragging the other person into the chaos of my inner world.
But even in that silence, thoughts kept running through my mind: Am I doing the right thing? Is this silence healing or avoidance? Should I just let it out these emotions that may not even be grounded in truth?
It’s a confusing space to be in—between knowing you’re overthinking and still being unable to stop the thoughts from spiralling. A quiet storm, where you’re not sure if expressing would bring peace or only more complexity.
And that’s where silence sits—not as a solution, but as a pause. A space to ask yourself what truly serves your well-being and your relationships. Somewhere beneath the noise of my overthinking heart, I recognize the truth that it’s not them, not really. It’s life’s unpredictable situations and turns that brought out a version of them I wasn’t ready to face, and that left a lasting imprint on my emotional space.
When You’re Known as the ‘Open’ One
It’s not easy to suddenly pull back when people are used to you being emotionally available. You might hear things like: “You’ve changed”, “Why are you being so closed off lately?” And while these words are often said out of concern or confusion, they can unintentionally make you feel guilty for choosing silence, even when it’s exactly what you need. The pressure to return to your “usual self” can feel suffocating, especially when that self was always open, always accessible, always emotionally generous.
But what people don’t always see is that openness takes energy. It requires emotional bandwidth. And sometimes, you reach a point where that energy runs low, whether due to burnout, disappointment, or the quiet realization that you need to tend to your own inner world for a while.
Choosing to pull back doesn’t mean you care any less. It means you’re redirecting that same care inward. You’re choosing to protect your peace, to sit with your emotions privately, and to pause the cycle of constant giving because even the most open hearts need rest.
I’m Still Me, Just a Quieter Version Right Now
Being silent doesn’t mean being disconnected. I still deeply believe in honest conversations, emotional presence, and meaningful connection. But I’ve come to learn that openness and silence can coexist and that it’s okay to pause without explanation, to feel deeply without always expressing it aloud. This shift in my emotional stance isn’t easy. I might take some time for myself to process and adapt to it. In doing so, I may naturally create a little distance from people, some may notice it and feel the change intensely, while for others, it might not even register.
But for those who do feel it and wonder what changed – I want to say this: if it feels difficult for you, then know it hasn’t been smooth for me either. This isn’t a light-hearted phase or a conscious act of withdrawal; it’s a quiet battle I’m navigating within myself, a storm of emotions I can’t quite explain yet, even to me.
I don’t always have the words. I don’t always have the clarity. But I’m trying. And maybe, with time and with the love, affection, and care I still quietly long for, I’ll find my way through this fog.
I hope I can continue to support myself in the process. I hope I allow myself grace. And above all, I hope I can overcome the not-so-positive side of this shift and find my balance again within myself, and within the life I want to live.
Empowered Final Thoughts
If you’ve always been the one to speak up, to feel out loud, and now find peace in silence – know that you are not losing your voice. You are learning to listen to yourself first.
Silence is not weakness. Its strength wrapped in calm. It’s where you reclaim your energy, your clarity, and your self-worth.
You don’t owe anyone an explanation for protecting your peace. You’re not fading—you’re becoming more grounded. And in this space, you’re learning the most powerful lesson of all.
Welcome to Hormonewood: Where Every Day is a Plot Twist!!!
There’s something almost majestic about turning 40. Hormones in your 40s don’t just whisper, they come in like a reality show director yelling “Cue drama!” You wake up feeling like you finally getlife calm, collected, sipping your coffee like a philosopher who has unlocked the secrets of the life. You read an article on self-care and nod with deep understanding. You even let out a slow, wise sigh when someone cuts you off in traffic, thinking, “Some people are just rushing through life… but I? I am at peace.”
Imagine this: You open your closet, excited to wear your favourite dress, only to find they’ve mysteriously shrunk overnight. You stare at them in betrayal. Instead of rationalizing, your brain leaps straight to “Have my clothes formed a secret rebellion?” After a few dramatic sighs, you settle for some other normal dress, convincing yourself that it is “the superior choice anyway.”
Afternoon hits, and you’re neck-deep in an Excel sheet, trying to crunch some basic numbers. Nothing fancy – just a neat little total. You type =SUM (with full confidence, like a math wizard ready to summon data magic – only for Excel to throw back a #VALUE! error like it personally hates you. You stare at the screen, then back at the formula, then back at the screen again like it’s gaslighting you. After 10 minutes, you realize you were summing text instead of numbers. Classic!! You close the file, lean back, and stare into the distance like you’ve just survived a high-stakes finance thriller.
So, if you’re wondering what this phase feels like, it’s like trying to do a silent retreat with a drama queen living in your head. That, my friend, is Mood Swings – Now Streaming in 4D, exclusively for you guys!!!
Hormones vs. Me: Spoiler Alert – They’re Winning!!!
Midlife hormones are not just attacking your body – they’re holding your memory hostage. You walk into rooms with confidence only to forget why you’re there. You start telling a story, forget the point midway, then somehow end up giving parenting advice which might be completely baseless and irrelevant. Remember when you used to juggle office tasks, grocery lists, and birthdays in your head? Now you stare at Post-it notes like it’s written in ancient Sanskrit.
The truth is, hormones don’t play fair. The unpredictability of emotions in your 40s turns even the most routine events into full-scale cinematic dramas. Travel? I Can’t even emotionally handle a trip to the grocery store. Social media used to be fun—now it’s just an emotional trigger-fest. Your friend posts a vacation pic from Bali, and suddenly you’re googling “What’s my life purpose at 44?” Even though you know you hate humidity & sunburns. Hormones, however, don’t care. They grab your logic, toss it out the window, and whisper, “You’ve achieved nothing, woman.” Don’t worry, by evening you’ll convince yourself that a solo trip to the office daily without interruption is the retreat you needed.
The Great Mood Swing Olympics – And I’m Winning Gold!
Let’s talk about my daily emotional triathlon. I wake up fresh every morning (okay, fresher than yesterday, which is a win), give myself a mini TED Talk in the mirror, blast some empowering tunes in the car, and cruise to the office with a heart full of motivation and a face full of sunscreen and make-up. I hit my desk like Beyoncé – emails flying, to-do list ready, world domination loading… until BAM! Enter: Hormones. Out of nowhere, I’m staring at the same spreadsheet, holding back tears because a font doesn’t look right or may a simple calculation doesn’t make sense to me as my mind does not want to accept it. Confidence? Missing. Motivation? Who’s dis?
Now I’m forcefully pretending to be busy, sometimes doing nothing with great intensity or barely managing to finish what felt like a daily Olympic sprint. On the drive home, my brain is like a confused GPS stuck in a dark tunnel. “Recalculating life decisions…” Over and over. I reach home, emotionally bankrupt and physically fried, hoping for a moment to exhale. But wait! I’m a woman, remember? Rest is optional, societal expectations are not.
The moment I step in, there’s a queue of emotions, people, responsibilities, and unsolicited opinions waiting for me. And in this emotional stampede, I don’t feature anywhere on the list. Wow! My wants, my peace, my feelings – hilarious! Apparently, those are luxuries for people with less estragon.
I hit the bed like a phone on 1% battery, just hoping to recharge before the next meltdown. But no, that would be too easy, isn’t it? Instead, I lie there like a confused potato staring at the ceiling, mentally drafting therapy monologues I’ll never say out loud. I long for a space where I can pour my heart out without needing a reason or a disclaimer. But again, here I am explaining my pain to my own confused soul while telling myself not to expect too much.
Emotional comfort isn’t something that’s ever knocked on my door. After 43 years of being everyone’s favourite backup plan, you’d think I’d have developed immunity to disappointment. If life had a guest list, I’d always be marked as “Maybe.” Priorities really do matter – especially when you realize you’ve spent years being available for people who couldn’t even spell “reciprocate.”
And while these truths have quietly tagged along for most of my life, this so-called midlife crisis seems to be putting them under a cruel spotlight. The things I used to brush off with a half-hearted smile now weigh heavier, stay longer, and hit deeper. It’s like my emotional threshold is thinning, and the questions I’ve always managed to avoid—Why not me? Why never first? Suddenly echo louder than ever. I keep searching for answers that make sense, but all I ever find is silence wearing a polite smile. Some questions, it seems, were never meant to be answered—just endured.
“When Life Gives You Hormones, Make a Cocktail… and Sip It Slowly!”
Here’s the truth, wrapped in a heating pad and sprinkled with sarcasm: Mid-life crisis isn’t something you “fix” or “overcome.” It’s more like an uninvited guest who moves in, raids your fridge, messes up your mental peace, and refuses to leave. And the hormones? Oh, they’re the background music to your personal drama – moody, loud, and completely unpredictable.
But amidst the chaos, confusion, and cravings, there is something oddly beautiful. This phase teaches you to embrace your imperfections, own your mood swings like a pro, and unapologetically put yourself first – at least for few minutes immediately after you wake-up every day. It shows you that it’s okay to break down, restart, and laugh at yourself mid-breakdown.
Because honestly, what’s the alternative? Wait for some imaginary fairy tale version of peace and clarity to arrive? Nope. We live with it. We ride this emotional rollercoaster with extra seatbelts, messy buns, and zero expectations. And just when we think we’ve figured it out… boom! The next-level crisis is probably already warming up backstage.
So, here’s to us – overthinking and over-it but still getting out of bed like the warriors we are. Midlife might feel like a group project we didn’t sign up for, but hey, we’re making it work. One meltdown, one laugh, one silent scream at a time.
“I’m not overreacting. I’m just hormonally multitasking between tears, rage, and existential dread. If hormones had a job title, it would be ‘Chief Chaos Officer!!!”
“The strength of a woman is not in what she carries, but in what she overcomes.“
For generations, strength was defined by silence, and sacrifice often came without recognition. But today, the narrative is shifting. Women are rewriting history—not just by being present but by leading, commanding, and transforming the very fabric of our world. This blog is a tribute to those fierce souls who rise above limitations and inspire change, not only on the battlefield but in every arena of life. From homes to headquarters, from struggles to triumphs—this is their story. This is our story.
When the Indian Armed Forces launched Operation Sindoor, the world watched in awe – not just at the strategic brilliance or swift execution, but at the fearless women in uniform who led, commanded, and stood tall amid uncertainty.
Names like Colonel Sofia Qureshi and Wing Commander Vyomika Singh, weren’t just listed in reports but they were etched in our hearts. Their courage, calmness, and clarity under pressure reminded us that bravery wears no gender. Col. Qureshi led with dignity and precision, Wg Cdr. Singh flew hope into chaos, and Capt. Tyagi, a Kargil War veteran in the past, served the country even as she carried life within her. These women didn’t just participate in history – they made it.
“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” – Maya Angelou
Beyond Boundaries: A Journey from Kitchen to Command Posts
Once upon a time, a woman’s world was confined to four walls – her identity, responsibilities, and dreams wrapped within the boundaries of a home. She was expected to nurture, care, support – but never to lead, command, or fight. But the world changed. Or perhaps, women changed the world. Today, women stand guard at our borders, fly fighter jets into enemy skies, lead battalions into operations, and take calls that impact millions. From once being told they were “too delicate” for defence, they now define what true strength means. This shift isn’t just military – it’s revolutionary.
“They tried to bury us. They didn’t know we were seeds.”
The Spirit of Unbeaten Women
What inspires me the most – and countless others like me – is that this courage wasn’t inherited; it was built. Brick by brick, heartbreak by hardship, step by trembling step. These women didn’t wait for permission, they created their own permission slips to success. They fought stereotypes in the barracks and in society. They wore their confidence like Armor and walked through challenges with grace. This transformation has deeply touched me.
As a woman working in the world of operations and leadership, I’ve learned that:
You don’t have to roar to be a lioness.
You don’t need to be handed a sword to start the battle.
You just need to believe that your voice matters and the rest follows.
“Here’s to strong women. May we know them, may we be them, may we raise them.”
A Call to Every Woman Reading This
To every woman who’s ever been told she’s “too much” or “not enough”, “too loud”, “too ambitious”, “too emotional”, “too strong” – I want to tell you:
You are exactly what the world needs. Your courage, your resilience, your softness, and your fire – they are your strength. The world has shifted. The frontlines are open. Whether you’re fighting on a border, in a boardroom, in a classroom, or in your own home, you are a warrior in your own right. Operation Sindoor wasn’t just a mission. It was a message.
“She remembered who she was, and the game changed.” – Lalah Delia
And Then, There’s Me – One Among Many, Yet One of a Kind
As I pen these words with pride in the women who serve our nation, I cannot help but reflect on my own journey, one that may not have unfolded on a battlefield, but has been nothing short of a war zone in its own right.
Born into a conservative middle-class family, I wasn’t handed opportunities – I carved them out. Every step I took toward my passion meant pushing against norms, breaking invisible barriers, and daring to stand up for myself when silence was expected. I fought for my dreams, not once, but every single day, in rooms where I was told I didn’t belong, in moments where giving up would’ve been easier than fighting through.
Professionally and personally, I’ve faced storms, questioned my worth, stood alone, and still chose to walk forward, sometimes limping, sometimes sprinting, but always moving. Life tested me not just with challenges but with serious medical battles, each one threatening to slow me down. But here I am, standing tall and bold at 43, not just surviving; but thriving.
I’ve never let adversity write my story. I’ve always held the pen. And I will continue to live with purpose, passion, and relentless courage until my last breath.
Because like the women I admire, in uniform or otherwise – I know that being a woman is not my limitation. It is my power.
“Feminism isn’t about making women stronger. Women are already strong. It’s about changing the way the world perceives that strength.” – G.D. Anderson
A Crown of Purpose: The Power Behind the Red
Let the sindoor be more than a tradition; let it be a symbol of the fire within. A mark not just of devotion to home, but to dreams, to purpose, to self.
To the women breaking boundaries – in boardrooms, classrooms, hospitals, homes, studios, labs, and skies – your courage writes new histories. You lead with grace, fight with strength, and rise with resilience. You turn challenges into chances, setbacks into stories of comeback.
You are not defined by where you come from, but by how far you’re willing to go.
So, wear your sindoor, your scars, your soul, like a crown. Own your journey. Own your power. Own your voice. Because the world isn’t just watching, it’s changing because of you!
“Break the boundaries, rewrite the rules, and let your courage be the legacy you leave behind.”
The year 2024 was a whirlwind of growth, giving, and countless lessons—a year where I often found myself pouring from an empty cup, stretching my boundaries thin to accommodate others. While I wouldn’t trade the experiences for anything, I’ve realized that constantly putting others first has its cost. And so, 2025 is my year of breaking free—free from unnecessary guilt, outdated expectations, and the invisible chains of self-neglect.
For years, I’ve lived with a quiet tug-of-war within me. On one side was the undeniable pull to support, nurture, and uplift those around me; on the other, a faint voice whispering, “What about you?” That voice, once barely audible, has grown louder over time. In moments of solitude, it’s clear: the relentless act of giving has left me drained. It’s not selfish to acknowledge this; it’s survival.
“You can’t pour from an empty cup. Take care of yourself first.” This simple yet profound reminder is my mantra for 2025. To thrive, I must prioritize my own well-being, unapologetically filling my cup so that I can offer my best self to the world.
The art of saying “no” is something I’ve struggled with. “Yes” seemed easier—less confrontation, fewer explanations. But the weight of those yeses often bore down on me, leaving little room for my own aspirations and needs. In 2025, I vow to rewrite this script. I’ll embrace the power of “no,” not as a rejection of others, but as an affirmation of myself. It’s about valuing my energy and ensuring it’s directed toward what truly matters.
This year, I’m choosing to let go of the shackles of others’ expectations. For too long, I’ve danced to tunes that weren’t mine, trying to meet standards that didn’t resonate with my soul. No more. 2025 is about dancing to my own rhythm, unapologetically and joyfully. It’s about rediscovering who I am when I strip away the layers of obligations and societal norms.
“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” This quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson encapsulates the essence of my journey. The power to redefine my life has always been within me—it just needed nurturing and attention.
I’ve come to see that prioritizing myself isn’t an act of defiance; it’s an act of love—for me and for those who matter most. When I am whole, when my spirit is nourished, I have so much more to give. It’s a simple truth, yet one that’s taken years to fully grasp. By putting myself first, I’m not choosing to care less about others; I’m ensuring that when I do give, it’s from a place of abundance rather than depletion.
The journey ahead is both exciting and daunting. It means breaking old patterns, challenging deep-seated beliefs, and stepping into a version of myself that feels authentic and unrestrained. I envision mornings that start with quiet moments of reflection, afternoons filled with pursuits that spark joy, and evenings spent basking in the warmth of meaningful connections. Life, in all its complexity, will feel lighter when I approach it on my terms.
“The best way to predict the future is to create it.” This year, I’m taking ownership of my story. I’ll rewrite the parts that no longer serve me and boldly step into a life that prioritizes happiness, health, and fulfilment.
2025 is more than a new year; it’s a new chapter—a revolution of self. It’s about owning my story, breaking free from self-imposed limitations, and thriving unapologetically. I’m ready to embrace it all—the challenges, the growth, and the freedom that comes with putting myself first. Here’s to breaking free and living boldly in the year ahead.
Have you ever experienced the situation where you suddenly break down from within, but not sure why? Have you ever suddenly felt that your life will end in a fraction of seconds and feel completely helpless? Have you ever faced a situation where your heart is racing and aching with pain from within, but you step out of home with a smile on your face? Have you ever felt like crying out loud with no reason or explanation given to anyone around for it?
Not sure if any of you who are reading this has ever experienced it in your lives. But trust me, this is not something out from a story or a bit in a movie. It is a real episode of a person battling through a silent struggle in their life called Anxiety. Anxiety is that feeling when you are not necessarily sad but just feel really empty and void from inside. It’s a kind of feeling like you’ve lost something but having no clue when or where you last had it. The next immediate question you might get in your mind is why? What is the reason for this feeling or pain? I am still searching for it and not sure if anyone going through this might be able to answer this to the point. Again, as I always quote in my blog that whatever I pen down here are the real experiences I have come across in my life or purely my perceptional thoughts on the same. After years of living with the battle with my inner self, finally I feel like sharing the story of my silent struggle with the world.
Even at an early age, I can still recall feeling empty and shaken many a times with no strong reason for being so. As a child then, I didn’t have the vocabulary to express my feelings to anyone as nothing made any sense to me at that point of time. As I grew into an adult, the chest-crushing feelings of anxiety and the dark cloud of depression followed me through my life. Again, these were always left unspoken as I could never get a clarity on these emotions and never did I had any strong reason to justify my emotions. Still, I did try to share my feelings and emotions to few people around me thinking they would understand my situation and help me get a clarity or a solution for it. But, nothing was of any use as I could never justify my own emotions appropriately and could never succeed in making anyone understand what I had felt inside. Every time I tried sharing with someone next to me, I failed and ended up making a fool of myself in front of the world. It was never that I was short of anything in life. I always felt that I had a much better life than many of them around the world and was sufficient to live my life happily. Of course, few things in and around my life did not had a great positive impact but I always managed to get adjusted towards all that was coming my way, irrespective of what I wanted in my life. Afterall, like most of the middle-class girls, even I was tuned to the fact that life is all about adjustments and compromises. Maybe I never got an opportunity to pursue what I actually wanted to do for the unsaid reasons which hold the societal beliefs strongly. But, I always made the best out of my life in all ways, irrespective of all the odds and struggles I had been through in my life.
That time, I was not matured enough to understand the actual cause behind these emotions nor did I know what it was actually called. Now, after so many years of living through these battles, I started knowing a bit about these, which take over our mind and body and make us helpless at a particular moment with no cautions given to us at any point of time. It is said that every emotion has a story to tell and I always have been loaded with too many emotions and yes, there were many stories within me that were always left untold. Major part of the childhood and adult phases have been part of these silent struggles and battles, which now, I can quote as Anxiety or panic attacks but then I never had any clue about them and never felt important to share them with anyone specifically. Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time, without knowing the actual cause or reason for it. There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds. The feeling of you having so many mixed feelings and emotions which are making you sad and worried but you cannot explain it to anyone due to the fear that no one will actually understand it and will not believe that it would make any sense at all. There have been many years in my life where I have been through this phase and had been the worst days of life battling through it all by myself. Back then, I did not have the awareness of these things and never understood the fact that it is sometimes ok to be not fine and go through these emotions. As the years passed I continued to fight these battles silently and try all the possible alternatives to divert my mind and get it back on the normal track.
As I speak today, at 43 years of age, I understand the importance of talking openly about these challenges and emotions without hesitating as now I understand that it is common to go through these situations. It has been so many years that I had been living with this anxiety, but even today nothing much has changed as still when I go through the panic attacks and can neither figure out the reason behind it nor can I share it with anyone because the moment I tell people about what I feel, the very first question they shoot at me is WHY? WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? WHAT IS THAT WHICH IS BOTHERING YOU? and the list of questions never end. I wish I had the answers for all these questions, I myself would have figured out the solution as well. Most of the time, people around you won’t understand your journey, your struggles or your situation. Though I manage to handle myself during such situations, sometimes I feel it’s high time to come out of that box, scream and tell the world that I am not fine, though I manage to get up every morning, take care of my duties and responsibilities, go to work, put a smile on my face and keep going through the day. Anxiety does not always look like being sad, crying, lying on bed not feeling like coming out, not going out or anything as such. I can fake a smile on my face while I get up every day, take care of my daily chores, step out for work, talk to people, laugh and pretend to be absolutely normal but that does not fade away the fact that I am not fine from within. While my whole day goes in the flow smoothly, night is the time for all these silent struggles and battles with my inner self. Living with anxiety is like being followed by an unknown voice. It knows all your insecurities and uses them against you. It gets to the point when it’s the loudest voice in the room and it’s the one only you can hear. In the middle of the dark night, I wake up to the most horrifying experience of someone talking loudly, not able to breathe, that worst feeling of heaviness in my chest and wanting to cry my heart out and wanting someone to be with me asking nothing but just holding me tight and comforting me that everything will be fine. I wish this was possible for real in life but unfortunately, we cannot have people around us all the time who understand all this without we explaining them about anything. But the bitter fact of life which I have always experienced and understood is that people will only be there for you when it is convenient to them and not when you actually need someone. And yes, everyone has their own set of priorities in life and I don’t put anyone at fault for not being available for me, which is definitely not fair, right? But does the need to have a companion with us at that point of time so important? I cannot generalize this answer but as per my experience, having someone who knows and understands to comfort my chaotic mind and the racing heart just makes it easy for me to overcome those few horrifying minutes of panic. But on the other hand, I know it is not possible all the time and hence I have started learning to deal with this all by myself. It is not easy to accept the fact that I am alone standing in the midst of this chaos and will have to fight the battle alone but when it is the only option I have, I will have to do it irrespective of anything else.
All the battles, cries, pain still does not make much sense to many of them as they can never understand what I am going through. I still come across people around me in my life who don’t give any importance to all this and in turn, make fun of me. But, there is nothing to fake and I wouldn’t gain anything by doing all this. I have tuned my mind in a way that every night, I go through this phase of horrifying battles and I get up next day morning faking a smile to cover all the inner scars of the night. The world has the ability to only focus on the outer part of me, thinking I am happy and everything is perfect in my life. A very few of them would actually be able to look deep beyond the outer grid of the fake covering I do to cover all the pain that exist within. But the fact remains that even these people who say we understand also do not actually understand and they keep asking me the reason for all this. Again, I wish I could know the reason and the solution for this but am myself clueless coz there is no specific reason for all this. In all these years, I might have tried my best ways to overcome this, tried seeking help from the therapists and also consulted a Psychologist but everything had only a temporary solution for me. For few days, I would be fine and again back to the same zone feeling confused and helpless. Now, it has become like a routine for me but the weird thing is even after being in this situation for so long and experiencing these multiple times in life, I still cannot manage to neither get use to it nor overcome it.
I still could neither get the cause for this anxiety nor could I overcome it yet and still has the same repeated cycle even today. In the stillness of the night, where the world seems asleep, I suddenly wake up out of nowhere with a blank mind wondering what should I do? I would just lie awake for hours before drifting off, only to be jolted from sleep by the overwhelming sensation of panic. It is as though my mind and body has made an unspoken agreement to betray me in the quiet hours of every night. Recently, the days have been stressful enough, but the nights have been becoming unbearable. I started to fear the very act of falling asleep and every night as it happens, it leaves me weaker, emotionally drained, exhausted and dreading the night that lay ahead. After many such horrifying nights, I realize it is not just the panic attack that is weakening me but the hopelessness that followed, the fear of another sleepless night, the inability to break free from this cycle. Each night feels like an endless fall, with no ground to hit and no way to pull myself out. Every night when the clock ticks 1 or 1:30 AM, it marks another wave crashing against my fragile peace, leaving me adrift in the storm, searching for the shore. In today’s fast-paced world, seeking professional help for mental well-being is no longer a taboo—it’s a necessity. Recently, I decided to take that step and consulted professionals to guide me through my emotional journey, but due to the very high charges, I am now caught in a dilemma about whether to continue or not.
Tonight, as I pen down my thoughts and reflect on this unrelenting cycle of fear, I find myself choosing a different path—not to resist, but to accept. I am allowing myself to stop fighting against the odds, hoping that this acceptance might bring a glimmer of relief. The panic may not vanish completely, and the nights might still feel daunting, but by embracing what is happening instead of resisting, I hope to uncover a sense of peace. Slowly, I’m letting go of the expectation for things to magically improve and instead allowing myself to simply exist with whatever comes my way. I want to retrain my mind and body to stop seeing the night as a battle to survive but as a reality to embrace. In this shift, I hope to discover a new kind of strength—not by defeating the fear, but by learning to coexist with it. Perhaps, in this acceptance, I will find the patience to let things ease over time, knowing that even the darkest nights can eventually lead to brighter mornings. It’s high time I confront and accept a profound truth about life: no one can be with us all the time, no matter how much they care. People have their own lives, priorities, and limitations, and their availability will always be shaped by those factors. This doesn’t mean they don’t value or love us; it simply means that their presence cannot always align with our needs. For someone grappling with emotional insecurity, this realization is unsettling but necessary. I’ve come to understand that leaning entirely on others for comfort or reassurance isn’t the answer. Their support, though heartfelt, might not always be enough to help me navigate the depths of my struggles. True healing and security must come from within.
Am I thriving or just surviving my life? This question has been taking constant circles inside my mind from last few days. What do we actually mean by living, thriving or surviving? Again, each one of us might have different perception on this, and we cannot say one is right and another might be wrong. It all depends on the life experiences each one of us go through. I agree that life might not always be a bed of roses but what it takes for a human being with emotions and feelings to experience that at least once? Again, as I always quote in my blogs that I don’t assume or generalize anything in my blogs and share only my personal experiences and my situations which I go through in my life. So, you might be thinking what is my perception on this aspect of life, right? It may not be very different from few others around but am sure it is neither the same as many of you out there.
I always felt and believed that I am a strong woman mentally and emotionally against the myth that women are too emotional and sentimental. People around me also have always agreed to this and kept on telling me that I can face anything in life because am a strong person. But today as I share this with you all, 42 years of life, 10 surgeries, multiple medical complications and the list goes on and there is never an end to these things in my life. But I feel life is beyond all these things and no matter what, the show must go on. Still, people come to me and say that’s fine as all these are passing clouds of life and they will move on soon. Maybe they are right, and I just smile at them then but the very next moment there is a question which arises in my mind, and I ask myself – WHEN? How long can a person be patient enough and pretend to be strong in life and keep on overcoming all the hurdles? I am glad to have so many positive people in my life who keep motivating me to overcome all these challenges and keep going in my life. But the fact is that the pain and suffering I am going through cannot be explained it to anyone and no one might be able to understand the intensity of it as they are looking at the situation from the other side of the frame. I know what it takes to be in the same ocean trying to swim across all these challenges without giving up, especially when one is tired both physically & mentally and have zero energy left inside to even give it a try. I always feel that people also don’t put too many efforts in being available for the people who are mentally and emotionally strong. They just feel they will anyways take care of anything that comes across in their paths and they don’t need anyone to comfort them. But trust me folks, in real life, this does not work the way it is portrayed in the world. At some point of time, you start striving for that one single person who would come to you without you asking or telling anything about what you feel, and you expect that person to pacify you and give you that confidence that they are there for you no matter what. I would not deny that I too have couple of people in my life who give me this confidence but again there is always a boundary to it, right? Afterall no one can be there for you or with you all the time and this might only be possible within their boundaries and limitations? But is it really that difficult to understand and accept this fact of life. If you ask me at this point of time, I will definitely say yes. The emotional state I am in probably doesn’t allow me to understand this what I have been doing my entire life. Now, I totally feel the other way round and I feel it is required for anyone to vent out all these emotional complications at some point of time in our lives.
I have always tried to balance my emotions myself and not to depend on anyone to this extent. But I guess as we keep going in life ahead and at a point after overcoming so many challenges and hurdles of life, we tend to get tired of doing everything ourselves. If the entire life, we ourselves need to understand and take care of our feelings and emotions, why do the relationships ever need to exist in the world? A woman always puts others first in her life – her family, her duties, her responsibilities and the list never end. But how many of them in the world think what she needs in her life, what is that one thing which would make her happy or what she aims to do in her life? Nothing matters because the so-called society only thinks and talks about the duties and responsibilities of a woman, but no one thinks about the rights of a woman. Why does a woman only have to take care of all the responsibilities of family and sacrifice all those things which she wants to do for her own happiness. Few of us might be really lucky to have experienced this in life and might have got a chance to live their lives on their terms, not thinking and bothering about the societal terms dictated for a woman. But don’t you think for everything, there is a saturation point and beyond that we cannot take it more. After going through all these challenges in life for so many years, I am now in the phase of that maximum tolerance level. People think that everything is a joyful ride for me as I pretend to be happy in front of the world, but does that mean I don’t have any pain in my life? Absolutely not, every night the way my body and mind gives me the most horrifying experience of life. I once read a quote which said, “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” This quote had a great positive impact in my life. Frankly, when I look many women or girls of this generation, I feel I always have balanced and handled my life pretty well and I can really be proud of myself for facing and overcoming so many challenges in life without ever getting weak. I am sure not many of them out in the world are mentally strong enough to take this sort of physical and emotional pressure in life. So, whenever someone used to quote about the age in front of me, I used to deny saying that I am in a much better state both physically and emotionally in this age as compared to many of the younger generation people. But these days, my body is actually proving me wrong, and it is forcing me to think that may be age factor does matter at some point of time in our lives. No doubt that my life is still happening in 40s but it is high time for me to realize and accept the fact that my body is deteriorating physically and not allowing me to be active and energetic I always have been. With the physical pain comes the emotional trauma, because of these physical challenges in my life, I am forced to quit my passions, which have been my biggest strengths always and those are the things that have been pushing me to keep going ahead no matter what.
In the midst of all this chaos inside my mind, I came across a poster which said, “Are you thriving or just surviving?” Somewhere this quote moved me and forced me to relate this to my life story. Few mins of silence and then I asked myself the same question and all of a sudden rest everything seemed just clear in my mind. Life has thrown many challenges throughout my journey till today, but these challenges are only a part of life and not the entire life itself. When I clear my focus and look beyond all these tough times, no doubt I am in a very happy space of life. That was the moment I decided once again to stop focusing on how stressed I am and remember how blessed I am. Life is a series of thousands of tiny miracles; we just need to clear our lens and notice them. If we never experience the chill of a dark winter, it is very unlikely that we will ever cherish the warmth of a bright summer’s day. It is high time that I make my mind and heart realize that nothing stimulates our appetite for the simple joys of life more than the starvation caused by sadness or desperation. In order to complete our life journey successfully, it is vital that we turn each and every dark tear into a pearl of wisdom and find the blessing in every curse. It is very true that life is very interesting in the end, some of our greatest pains become our greatest strengths. As I quote this, I decide to take charge of my own happiness and stop giving this control to anything or anyone in this world. If life continues to surprise me with these tough challenges, I will make sure to amaze it with my comeback. Sometimes we lose ourselves for a while, and that’s ok as it is all just a part of learning. I feel the biggest comeback for any person in this world is making themselves happy again and this time I am stubborn on this and yes, am not deviating from it at any cost. I have battled my entire life to become a strong woman I am today. I admit that I have my own set of flaws and imperfections, and I like things to go my way. But I am happy with whatever I am and whatever I have in my life.
It is important for each one of us to realize and understand that as long as we keep moving forward, overcoming the obstacles in our way, we will surely improve in the long run. Belief in ourselves and all that we are and believe that there is something inside us that is greater than all these obstacles. Challenges are what makes life interesting and overcoming them is what makes life meaningful is the new learning and the new feeling which has given me that extra push which was required for me to bounce back to my original self. I am now confidently ready to challenge my challenges, are you? Better never than late folks, If I can motivate myself to get back after falling badly so many times, so can you! Life is tough, it throws challenges, and every challenge comes with rainbows and lights to conquer it. My new mission of life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor and some style.
