We all might have had experiences where we felt like a fish out of water, or we were swimming against the current. Things were not just going well and we had to stop, revaluate and regroup. Chances are, many of these situations might be the result of unrealistic expectations we had on people around us and even ourselves. My belief is to expect more from yourself than others. Because expectations from others hurt a lot, while expectations from yourself inspire a lot. That is life.

Perfectly Imperfect Me!

From childhood, we are taught to cut down on ego – on an exaggerated sense of self, and to consider others before one’s self. This is very much true in our country, and more specifically with girls. This thought process of the society has always been confusing for me. As a kid, I always used to think that is it wrong to think about myself over others. The question that why we put ourselves last and why self-love cannot be a priority was left unanswered for many years. It is not that I do not agree to the feeling of putting others first. I, personally believe that we should be there for others, but never leave ourselves behind in this process. Is it that difficult for a person to have this balance? Few misconceptions had been imposed into our minds about the concept of self-love and self-care.

Self-Care Vs Self-Obsessed

As many of us think, self-care or self-love does not mean being self-obsessed or selfish. Taking care of ourselves strengthens us and enables us to support our loved ones in a better way. For me it took quite a long time to understand and agree to the point that self-love is an antidote to stress, as it builds resilience so we can better cope up with challenges life throws at us in this beautiful journey. Just think, how they tell us to put on our oxygen mask first on an airplane before we help others. It is just the same way. Yes, absolutely support others, but nurture yourself first.

We confuse “rescuing” with “caring”

People often sacrifice self-care because they are too busy trying to save everyone else’s life around them. But sometimes it is important to understand that people have to learn their own lessons in life, however painful that might be. It might be that while we think we are caring for them by rescuing them from the unpleasant experiences in their lives, we are denying them the opportunity to face their own challenges, and grow stronger or learn a lesson from doing so. This has been a hard truth for me to face, as I always thought I was being nice and caring towards others and vice-versa. I do not mean that we should not support others, but it is important to understand that there is a difference between providing support for someone who asks for help and taking upon ourselves to save somebody in our way, irrespective of what the other person feels. So, stop rescuing and start caring!

We teach people how to treat us!

We do not often realize that we teach people how to treat us by our own actions and attitude towards them. When we take a step forward and try to help others in any way, the question, which makes a difference, is whether they are willing to take your help or if we are voluntarily forcing upon our thoughts and process to the other person. No doubt, you have played your part perfectly by offering your help to the person in need but we cannot change the way the other person would receive this kind act. We only have control over our actions and not on the actions of others. It is always important to put ourselves in the shoes of others and try to think about all the possible outcomes before we deal with people. What is good and right for us might not actually be the same for others and vice-versa. So let us not teach people how to treat us and instead, let us leave the option to the other person. Seems confusing, but it makes sense when you think about deeply.

We often do not realize our worth!

Ultimately, it boils down to the fact that we think others are worth more than we are. If we are confident in our love for ourselves and treat ourselves as if we are worthy enough, that would make our life more beautiful and happier. Our outlook on life is a direct reflection on how much we like ourselves. Self-worth is how you value yourself and not based on what others think of you.

“When you know who you are, and you are pleased with the person you have become; you will experience a sense of peace through life’s inevitable ups and downs – Amy Morin”

I, personally have learnt this lesson hard way through the journey of my life. For many years, I always felt like I had to prove myself as worthy of everyone for everything. I did things that made others happier than it made me. I did this so often for so many people around me that I lost track of what I valued in this process of pleasing everyone around me. Thankfully, at one point of time, I realized that what made me happy mattered more than pleasing others. It was not an easy task to make my mind and heart go through this transformation phase. The work is still in progress, but now, I try to measure my self-worth based on my own sense of self rather than how other people perceive me. This mindset sometimes may not make others happy, but it definitely makes me happy as I am doing what my mind or heart asks me to. My idea behind this is instead of chasing things that temporarily boost your self-esteem, measure your self-worth by who you are at your core.

“A strong positive self-image is the best possible preparation for success in life” – Dr. Joyce Brothers.

Self-Efficacy – The Secret Mantra!

“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you are right” – Henry Ford

When facing a challenge, do you feel like you can rise up and accomplish your goal or do you doubt your own abilities and give up in defeat? Most of us have the similar mindset in such circumstances. However, one thing, which makes difference, is how you train your mind to react in those situations.

“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change” – Wayne Dyer

It all depends on what and how we train our mind to believe. The body achieves what the mind believes. It is thus important to believe in ourselves to achieve anything in life. When we doubt our power, we give power to our doubt. The secret mantra for this is Self-Efficacy.

There are lot of misconceptions about what is Self-Efficacy? It is a person’s belief in their ability to succeed in a particular situation. Psychologist Albert Bandura described these beliefs as determinants of how people think, feel and behave. Self-Efficacy is part of the complete self-system comprised of a person’s attitudes, abilities and skills. I have had my own set of experiences and learnings on how Self-Efficacy plays a vital role in how we think, how we feel and how we act towards it.

Can we learn to develop self-efficacy by ourselves? During the journey of my professional and personal experiences, I have come across this question quite few times. Every time I faced it, my answer always was a Yes. Learning how to believe in yourself just needs a holistic strategy, which helps you to take control of your thoughts and feelings by yourself.

Developing a strong sense of self-efficacy can play an important role in almost every aspect of our life. Life is full of challenges and high levels of self-efficacy can help us better deal with these difficulties more effectively. Our belief in our abilities can predict how motivated we feel, how we feel about ourselves, and the amount of effort we put into achieving our goals.

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment”

– Ralph Waldo Emerson