The year 2024 was a whirlwind of growth, giving, and countless lessons—a year where I often found myself pouring from an empty cup, stretching my boundaries thin to accommodate others. While I wouldn’t trade the experiences for anything, I’ve realized that constantly putting others first has its cost. And so, 2025 is my year of breaking free—free from unnecessary guilt, outdated expectations, and the invisible chains of self-neglect.
For years, I’ve lived with a quiet tug-of-war within me. On one side was the undeniable pull to support, nurture, and uplift those around me; on the other, a faint voice whispering, “What about you?” That voice, once barely audible, has grown louder over time. In moments of solitude, it’s clear: the relentless act of giving has left me drained. It’s not selfish to acknowledge this; it’s survival.
“You can’t pour from an empty cup. Take care of yourself first.” This simple yet profound reminder is my mantra for 2025. To thrive, I must prioritize my own well-being, unapologetically filling my cup so that I can offer my best self to the world.
The art of saying “no” is something I’ve struggled with. “Yes” seemed easier—less confrontation, fewer explanations. But the weight of those yeses often bore down on me, leaving little room for my own aspirations and needs. In 2025, I vow to rewrite this script. I’ll embrace the power of “no,” not as a rejection of others, but as an affirmation of myself. It’s about valuing my energy and ensuring it’s directed toward what truly matters.
This year, I’m choosing to let go of the shackles of others’ expectations. For too long, I’ve danced to tunes that weren’t mine, trying to meet standards that didn’t resonate with my soul. No more. 2025 is about dancing to my own rhythm, unapologetically and joyfully. It’s about rediscovering who I am when I strip away the layers of obligations and societal norms.
“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” This quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson encapsulates the essence of my journey. The power to redefine my life has always been within me—it just needed nurturing and attention.
I’ve come to see that prioritizing myself isn’t an act of defiance; it’s an act of love—for me and for those who matter most. When I am whole, when my spirit is nourished, I have so much more to give. It’s a simple truth, yet one that’s taken years to fully grasp. By putting myself first, I’m not choosing to care less about others; I’m ensuring that when I do give, it’s from a place of abundance rather than depletion.
The journey ahead is both exciting and daunting. It means breaking old patterns, challenging deep-seated beliefs, and stepping into a version of myself that feels authentic and unrestrained. I envision mornings that start with quiet moments of reflection, afternoons filled with pursuits that spark joy, and evenings spent basking in the warmth of meaningful connections. Life, in all its complexity, will feel lighter when I approach it on my terms.
“The best way to predict the future is to create it.” This year, I’m taking ownership of my story. I’ll rewrite the parts that no longer serve me and boldly step into a life that prioritizes happiness, health, and fulfilment.
2025 is more than a new year; it’s a new chapter—a revolution of self. It’s about owning my story, breaking free from self-imposed limitations, and thriving unapologetically. I’m ready to embrace it all—the challenges, the growth, and the freedom that comes with putting myself first. Here’s to breaking free and living boldly in the year ahead.
Have you ever experienced the situation where you suddenly break down from within, but not sure why? Have you ever suddenly felt that your life will end in a fraction of seconds and feel completely helpless? Have you ever faced a situation where your heart is racing and aching with pain from within, but you step out of home with a smile on your face? Have you ever felt like crying out loud with no reason or explanation given to anyone around for it?
Not sure if any of you who are reading this has ever experienced it in your lives. But trust me, this is not something out from a story or a bit in a movie. It is a real episode of a person battling through a silent struggle in their life called Anxiety. Anxiety is that feeling when you are not necessarily sad but just feel really empty and void from inside. It’s a kind of feeling like you’ve lost something but having no clue when or where you last had it. The next immediate question you might get in your mind is why? What is the reason for this feeling or pain? I am still searching for it and not sure if anyone going through this might be able to answer this to the point. Again, as I always quote in my blog that whatever I pen down here are the real experiences I have come across in my life or purely my perceptional thoughts on the same. After years of living with the battle with my inner self, finally I feel like sharing the story of my silent struggle with the world.
Even at an early age, I can still recall feeling empty and shaken many a times with no strong reason for being so. As a child then, I didn’t have the vocabulary to express my feelings to anyone as nothing made any sense to me at that point of time. As I grew into an adult, the chest-crushing feelings of anxiety and the dark cloud of depression followed me through my life. Again, these were always left unspoken as I could never get a clarity on these emotions and never did I had any strong reason to justify my emotions. Still, I did try to share my feelings and emotions to few people around me thinking they would understand my situation and help me get a clarity or a solution for it. But, nothing was of any use as I could never justify my own emotions appropriately and could never succeed in making anyone understand what I had felt inside. Every time I tried sharing with someone next to me, I failed and ended up making a fool of myself in front of the world. It was never that I was short of anything in life. I always felt that I had a much better life than many of them around the world and was sufficient to live my life happily. Of course, few things in and around my life did not had a great positive impact but I always managed to get adjusted towards all that was coming my way, irrespective of what I wanted in my life. Afterall, like most of the middle-class girls, even I was tuned to the fact that life is all about adjustments and compromises. Maybe I never got an opportunity to pursue what I actually wanted to do for the unsaid reasons which hold the societal beliefs strongly. But, I always made the best out of my life in all ways, irrespective of all the odds and struggles I had been through in my life.
That time, I was not matured enough to understand the actual cause behind these emotions nor did I know what it was actually called. Now, after so many years of living through these battles, I started knowing a bit about these, which take over our mind and body and make us helpless at a particular moment with no cautions given to us at any point of time. It is said that every emotion has a story to tell and I always have been loaded with too many emotions and yes, there were many stories within me that were always left untold. Major part of the childhood and adult phases have been part of these silent struggles and battles, which now, I can quote as Anxiety or panic attacks but then I never had any clue about them and never felt important to share them with anyone specifically. Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time, without knowing the actual cause or reason for it. There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds. The feeling of you having so many mixed feelings and emotions which are making you sad and worried but you cannot explain it to anyone due to the fear that no one will actually understand it and will not believe that it would make any sense at all. There have been many years in my life where I have been through this phase and had been the worst days of life battling through it all by myself. Back then, I did not have the awareness of these things and never understood the fact that it is sometimes ok to be not fine and go through these emotions. As the years passed I continued to fight these battles silently and try all the possible alternatives to divert my mind and get it back on the normal track.
As I speak today, at 43 years of age, I understand the importance of talking openly about these challenges and emotions without hesitating as now I understand that it is common to go through these situations. It has been so many years that I had been living with this anxiety, but even today nothing much has changed as still when I go through the panic attacks and can neither figure out the reason behind it nor can I share it with anyone because the moment I tell people about what I feel, the very first question they shoot at me is WHY? WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? WHAT IS THAT WHICH IS BOTHERING YOU? and the list of questions never end. I wish I had the answers for all these questions, I myself would have figured out the solution as well. Most of the time, people around you won’t understand your journey, your struggles or your situation. Though I manage to handle myself during such situations, sometimes I feel it’s high time to come out of that box, scream and tell the world that I am not fine, though I manage to get up every morning, take care of my duties and responsibilities, go to work, put a smile on my face and keep going through the day. Anxiety does not always look like being sad, crying, lying on bed not feeling like coming out, not going out or anything as such. I can fake a smile on my face while I get up every day, take care of my daily chores, step out for work, talk to people, laugh and pretend to be absolutely normal but that does not fade away the fact that I am not fine from within. While my whole day goes in the flow smoothly, night is the time for all these silent struggles and battles with my inner self. Living with anxiety is like being followed by an unknown voice. It knows all your insecurities and uses them against you. It gets to the point when it’s the loudest voice in the room and it’s the one only you can hear. In the middle of the dark night, I wake up to the most horrifying experience of someone talking loudly, not able to breathe, that worst feeling of heaviness in my chest and wanting to cry my heart out and wanting someone to be with me asking nothing but just holding me tight and comforting me that everything will be fine. I wish this was possible for real in life but unfortunately, we cannot have people around us all the time who understand all this without we explaining them about anything. But the bitter fact of life which I have always experienced and understood is that people will only be there for you when it is convenient to them and not when you actually need someone. And yes, everyone has their own set of priorities in life and I don’t put anyone at fault for not being available for me, which is definitely not fair, right? But does the need to have a companion with us at that point of time so important? I cannot generalize this answer but as per my experience, having someone who knows and understands to comfort my chaotic mind and the racing heart just makes it easy for me to overcome those few horrifying minutes of panic. But on the other hand, I know it is not possible all the time and hence I have started learning to deal with this all by myself. It is not easy to accept the fact that I am alone standing in the midst of this chaos and will have to fight the battle alone but when it is the only option I have, I will have to do it irrespective of anything else.
All the battles, cries, pain still does not make much sense to many of them as they can never understand what I am going through. I still come across people around me in my life who don’t give any importance to all this and in turn, make fun of me. But, there is nothing to fake and I wouldn’t gain anything by doing all this. I have tuned my mind in a way that every night, I go through this phase of horrifying battles and I get up next day morning faking a smile to cover all the inner scars of the night. The world has the ability to only focus on the outer part of me, thinking I am happy and everything is perfect in my life. A very few of them would actually be able to look deep beyond the outer grid of the fake covering I do to cover all the pain that exist within. But the fact remains that even these people who say we understand also do not actually understand and they keep asking me the reason for all this. Again, I wish I could know the reason and the solution for this but am myself clueless coz there is no specific reason for all this. In all these years, I might have tried my best ways to overcome this, tried seeking help from the therapists and also consulted a Psychologist but everything had only a temporary solution for me. For few days, I would be fine and again back to the same zone feeling confused and helpless. Now, it has become like a routine for me but the weird thing is even after being in this situation for so long and experiencing these multiple times in life, I still cannot manage to neither get use to it nor overcome it.
I still could neither get the cause for this anxiety nor could I overcome it yet and still has the same repeated cycle even today. In the stillness of the night, where the world seems asleep, I suddenly wake up out of nowhere with a blank mind wondering what should I do? I would just lie awake for hours before drifting off, only to be jolted from sleep by the overwhelming sensation of panic. It is as though my mind and body has made an unspoken agreement to betray me in the quiet hours of every night. Recently, the days have been stressful enough, but the nights have been becoming unbearable. I started to fear the very act of falling asleep and every night as it happens, it leaves me weaker, emotionally drained, exhausted and dreading the night that lay ahead. After many such horrifying nights, I realize it is not just the panic attack that is weakening me but the hopelessness that followed, the fear of another sleepless night, the inability to break free from this cycle. Each night feels like an endless fall, with no ground to hit and no way to pull myself out. Every night when the clock ticks 1 or 1:30 AM, it marks another wave crashing against my fragile peace, leaving me adrift in the storm, searching for the shore. In today’s fast-paced world, seeking professional help for mental well-being is no longer a taboo—it’s a necessity. Recently, I decided to take that step and consulted professionals to guide me through my emotional journey, but due to the very high charges, I am now caught in a dilemma about whether to continue or not.
Tonight, as I pen down my thoughts and reflect on this unrelenting cycle of fear, I find myself choosing a different path—not to resist, but to accept. I am allowing myself to stop fighting against the odds, hoping that this acceptance might bring a glimmer of relief. The panic may not vanish completely, and the nights might still feel daunting, but by embracing what is happening instead of resisting, I hope to uncover a sense of peace. Slowly, I’m letting go of the expectation for things to magically improve and instead allowing myself to simply exist with whatever comes my way. I want to retrain my mind and body to stop seeing the night as a battle to survive but as a reality to embrace. In this shift, I hope to discover a new kind of strength—not by defeating the fear, but by learning to coexist with it. Perhaps, in this acceptance, I will find the patience to let things ease over time, knowing that even the darkest nights can eventually lead to brighter mornings. It’s high time I confront and accept a profound truth about life: no one can be with us all the time, no matter how much they care. People have their own lives, priorities, and limitations, and their availability will always be shaped by those factors. This doesn’t mean they don’t value or love us; it simply means that their presence cannot always align with our needs. For someone grappling with emotional insecurity, this realization is unsettling but necessary. I’ve come to understand that leaning entirely on others for comfort or reassurance isn’t the answer. Their support, though heartfelt, might not always be enough to help me navigate the depths of my struggles. True healing and security must come from within.
Am I thriving or just surviving my life? This question has been taking constant circles inside my mind from last few days. What do we actually mean by living, thriving or surviving? Again, each one of us might have different perception on this, and we cannot say one is right and another might be wrong. It all depends on the life experiences each one of us go through. I agree that life might not always be a bed of roses but what it takes for a human being with emotions and feelings to experience that at least once? Again, as I always quote in my blogs that I don’t assume or generalize anything in my blogs and share only my personal experiences and my situations which I go through in my life. So, you might be thinking what is my perception on this aspect of life, right? It may not be very different from few others around but am sure it is neither the same as many of you out there.
I always felt and believed that I am a strong woman mentally and emotionally against the myth that women are too emotional and sentimental. People around me also have always agreed to this and kept on telling me that I can face anything in life because am a strong person. But today as I share this with you all, 42 years of life, 10 surgeries, multiple medical complications and the list goes on and there is never an end to these things in my life. But I feel life is beyond all these things and no matter what, the show must go on. Still, people come to me and say that’s fine as all these are passing clouds of life and they will move on soon. Maybe they are right, and I just smile at them then but the very next moment there is a question which arises in my mind, and I ask myself – WHEN? How long can a person be patient enough and pretend to be strong in life and keep on overcoming all the hurdles? I am glad to have so many positive people in my life who keep motivating me to overcome all these challenges and keep going in my life. But the fact is that the pain and suffering I am going through cannot be explained it to anyone and no one might be able to understand the intensity of it as they are looking at the situation from the other side of the frame. I know what it takes to be in the same ocean trying to swim across all these challenges without giving up, especially when one is tired both physically & mentally and have zero energy left inside to even give it a try. I always feel that people also don’t put too many efforts in being available for the people who are mentally and emotionally strong. They just feel they will anyways take care of anything that comes across in their paths and they don’t need anyone to comfort them. But trust me folks, in real life, this does not work the way it is portrayed in the world. At some point of time, you start striving for that one single person who would come to you without you asking or telling anything about what you feel, and you expect that person to pacify you and give you that confidence that they are there for you no matter what. I would not deny that I too have couple of people in my life who give me this confidence but again there is always a boundary to it, right? Afterall no one can be there for you or with you all the time and this might only be possible within their boundaries and limitations? But is it really that difficult to understand and accept this fact of life. If you ask me at this point of time, I will definitely say yes. The emotional state I am in probably doesn’t allow me to understand this what I have been doing my entire life. Now, I totally feel the other way round and I feel it is required for anyone to vent out all these emotional complications at some point of time in our lives.
I have always tried to balance my emotions myself and not to depend on anyone to this extent. But I guess as we keep going in life ahead and at a point after overcoming so many challenges and hurdles of life, we tend to get tired of doing everything ourselves. If the entire life, we ourselves need to understand and take care of our feelings and emotions, why do the relationships ever need to exist in the world? A woman always puts others first in her life – her family, her duties, her responsibilities and the list never end. But how many of them in the world think what she needs in her life, what is that one thing which would make her happy or what she aims to do in her life? Nothing matters because the so-called society only thinks and talks about the duties and responsibilities of a woman, but no one thinks about the rights of a woman. Why does a woman only have to take care of all the responsibilities of family and sacrifice all those things which she wants to do for her own happiness. Few of us might be really lucky to have experienced this in life and might have got a chance to live their lives on their terms, not thinking and bothering about the societal terms dictated for a woman. But don’t you think for everything, there is a saturation point and beyond that we cannot take it more. After going through all these challenges in life for so many years, I am now in the phase of that maximum tolerance level. People think that everything is a joyful ride for me as I pretend to be happy in front of the world, but does that mean I don’t have any pain in my life? Absolutely not, every night the way my body and mind gives me the most horrifying experience of life. I once read a quote which said, “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” This quote had a great positive impact in my life. Frankly, when I look many women or girls of this generation, I feel I always have balanced and handled my life pretty well and I can really be proud of myself for facing and overcoming so many challenges in life without ever getting weak. I am sure not many of them out in the world are mentally strong enough to take this sort of physical and emotional pressure in life. So, whenever someone used to quote about the age in front of me, I used to deny saying that I am in a much better state both physically and emotionally in this age as compared to many of the younger generation people. But these days, my body is actually proving me wrong, and it is forcing me to think that may be age factor does matter at some point of time in our lives. No doubt that my life is still happening in 40s but it is high time for me to realize and accept the fact that my body is deteriorating physically and not allowing me to be active and energetic I always have been. With the physical pain comes the emotional trauma, because of these physical challenges in my life, I am forced to quit my passions, which have been my biggest strengths always and those are the things that have been pushing me to keep going ahead no matter what.
In the midst of all this chaos inside my mind, I came across a poster which said, “Are you thriving or just surviving?” Somewhere this quote moved me and forced me to relate this to my life story. Few mins of silence and then I asked myself the same question and all of a sudden rest everything seemed just clear in my mind. Life has thrown many challenges throughout my journey till today, but these challenges are only a part of life and not the entire life itself. When I clear my focus and look beyond all these tough times, no doubt I am in a very happy space of life. That was the moment I decided once again to stop focusing on how stressed I am and remember how blessed I am. Life is a series of thousands of tiny miracles; we just need to clear our lens and notice them. If we never experience the chill of a dark winter, it is very unlikely that we will ever cherish the warmth of a bright summer’s day. It is high time that I make my mind and heart realize that nothing stimulates our appetite for the simple joys of life more than the starvation caused by sadness or desperation. In order to complete our life journey successfully, it is vital that we turn each and every dark tear into a pearl of wisdom and find the blessing in every curse. It is very true that life is very interesting in the end, some of our greatest pains become our greatest strengths. As I quote this, I decide to take charge of my own happiness and stop giving this control to anything or anyone in this world. If life continues to surprise me with these tough challenges, I will make sure to amaze it with my comeback. Sometimes we lose ourselves for a while, and that’s ok as it is all just a part of learning. I feel the biggest comeback for any person in this world is making themselves happy again and this time I am stubborn on this and yes, am not deviating from it at any cost. I have battled my entire life to become a strong woman I am today. I admit that I have my own set of flaws and imperfections, and I like things to go my way. But I am happy with whatever I am and whatever I have in my life.
It is important for each one of us to realize and understand that as long as we keep moving forward, overcoming the obstacles in our way, we will surely improve in the long run. Belief in ourselves and all that we are and believe that there is something inside us that is greater than all these obstacles. Challenges are what makes life interesting and overcoming them is what makes life meaningful is the new learning and the new feeling which has given me that extra push which was required for me to bounce back to my original self. I am now confidently ready to challenge my challenges, are you? Better never than late folks, If I can motivate myself to get back after falling badly so many times, so can you! Life is tough, it throws challenges, and every challenge comes with rainbows and lights to conquer it. My new mission of life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor and some style.
In the hushed shadows dimly lit studio, amidst the whispers of satin and soft sighs of music, I find myself standing at a crossroads of fate and inevitability. It is here, in this sacred space where dreams take flight and emotions find their voice, that I must bid adieu to the dance floor – a farewell born not out of choice but out of necessity. Dance has always been my outlet of expression, my solace in times of joy and sorrow, and my constant companion through life’s twists and turns. Life has always a way of throwing unexpected challenges our way. Since last few years, I have been grappling with many medical issues that have gradually taken their toll on my ability to dance. But I always have been fighting them out with all the positive hope that one day things might get back to normal. Despite countless efforts and unwavering determination to overcome all those challenges with positivity, it has become increasingly clear that continuing to dance in the way I once did would jeopardize my health and well-being. Even after multiple health issues and surgeries, I have always pushed myself beyond these challenges and hurdles. I always believe that there is a saturation point for everything we do, face or feel in our lives. May be for my dance journey, that saturation point has come. What another best day I would have got than today, the International Dance Day, to finally present the epilogue of my dance journey?
My journey through dance has always been a symphony of sensations. It was the entire support system for all my emotions throughout my life. As I stand before the world today, my heart heavy with the weight of unspoken farewells, I am reminded that even the most beautiful melodies must one day reach their final note. It is not for the lack of love or dedication that I take my leave, but rather for the sake of a body worn thin by the rigors of time and circumstance. I never had thought that I will be able to accept this fact and agree that it is finally the time I bid farewell to my dance. It’s difficult to put in words that myriad emotions I am experiencing as I come to terms with this reality. There is profound sense of loss for something that has been such an integral part of my life for so long. There is frustration and disappointment at the cruel twist of fate that has led me to this point. And yet, there’s also a glimmer of acceptance and gratitude for the countless memories, lessons, and friendships that dance has bestowed upon me. While this may mark the end of my dance journey as I once knew it, I refuse to let it be the end of my connection to the world of dance.
I mourn not only the loss of what was, but also the dreams of what could have been – the performances left unperformed, the choreography left unwritten, the stories left untold. And yet, in the shadow of this sorrow, there blooms a quiet gratitude for the memories that will forever linger in the corners of my soul. To all my fellow dancers, I would like to extend my deepest gratitude. You were more than companions on this journey; you were the kindred spirits, bound by a shared love for the art form that has shaped us all. Though our paths may diverge, know that the light will continue to guide me through the darkness. And to all my Gurus, whose wisdom illuminated the path before me and whose guidance lifted me to heights I never thought possible, I offer my eternal thanks. You saw potential where many others saw limitations, and for that, I am forever in your debt. Though I may no longer grace the stages with my performance, your lessons will remain etched upon my heart. To all those who may find themselves facing unexpected challenges on their own dance journeys, I urge you to hold onto that passion until the last saturation point. Dance is not just about what happens on the stage; it’s about the joy, the connection, and the expression that it brings to our lives. So as I bid farewell to the dance floor, I do so with a heavy heart yet hopeful, knowing that this is not the end but merely the beginning of a new chapter in the dance of life. And though my body may no longer move to the rhythm of the music, my soul will dance on, forever entwined with the heartbeat of the universe.
As I pen down the final pages of my dance journey, I find myself overwhelmed with gratitude and the unwavering support and encouragement that had fueled my passion every step of the way. To my dearest family and friends, you have been the guiding stars in my dance universe, illuminating my path with love, belief, and endless inspiration. I thank each one of you for standing by me through every stumble and every battle. Your boundless love has given me the strength to chase my passions fearlessly, knowing that I always have a safe harbor to return to. To every person of my dance tribe, thank you for being the heartbeat of my journey. Your vibe during the performances on stage, cheers from the sidelines, your applause after every performance, and your gentle nudges to push beyond the limits have lifted me higher than I ever thought possible. To each one of you who has shared in my joy, celebrated my victories, and lifted me up in the moments of doubt, I am forever grateful. You have woven the threads of your love and support into the very fabric of my being, shaping me into the dancer and the person I am today. As this chapter draws to close, know that your presence will forever linger in the echoes of my dance. Though our paths may diverge, the memories we have created together will dance on in my heart, a timeless reminder of the beautiful symphony we composed as one.
Though I may no longer be able to dance physically, my love for this art form will remain as strong as ever. I will continue to support and celebrate this incredible talent and creativity of dancers around the world, whether from the sidelines or through other means of expressions. As I embark on the new adventures of my life, I would carry the spirit of dance with me, letting its rhythm guide me through every step of life’s dance floor. Wishing all the inspirational dancers in the world a very Happy International Dance Day!!!
With the deepest gratitude and boundless love to everyone around the world, here is the Epilogue of My Dance Journey!!!
Is it wrong to be easily available for everyone around you? For the last 40 years, this question had raised in my mind many a times but I always calmed down myself saying there is nothing wrong in being so when you value people and relationships more than anything else. I am sure just like me, you also might have experienced this confusion at least once in your life at some point of time, isn’t it? Is it fine to be too much available for everyone all the time? This question might have mixed answers or reviews based on individual’s experience in their own lives. But no one would deny to the fact that excessiveness of anything might harm you or hurt your emotions. I am not writing this today in a generic sense but it is all about what I have experienced and gone through in my entire life of 40 years. It’s not that I have realized this now, but maybe it has reached to a maximum level of tolerance within myself. Here, I would not generalize the things with respect to the topic but purely share my thoughts and experience about it which I have been feeling from too long. This is purely my personal perception and not intended to hurt anyone else’s emotions or thoughts with respect to this.
I remember when I was in my school days, I used to be first to jump into any of my friends’ problems, even before they asked for help. It was not because I would have got some benefit out of it but that was my nature. I never used to feel nice seeing anyone in pain and used to do whatever I could to make them feel better. It might be genetic as I have seen my mom being so with everyone in the family, irrespective of how they treat her. I can never match her level of kindness and humanity for sure but at least some part of it was into me. There were times in school when I helped my friends with few things which made them happy, irrespective of sometimes I ended up hurting my own emotions in the process. But never quoted this to anyone, rather than I convinced myself that my friends are happy so should I be. Years passed and this nature of me became a habit. Few times, it really did give me wonderful returns in the form of affection and respect for what I did for people around without any selfish reasons. This really made me feel very special at those times. But it does not happen all the time and yes, this is the bitter truth of life that people are more likely to take you for granted if you are easily available and accessible to them all the time. No hard feelings on anyone, but if I don’t vent it now, I would never be able to gain my self-esteem back in my life. There have been many times in my life in past where I was in pain and wanted someone next to me to understand this, pacify me and give me little confidence that they are available for me. Many of my friends always say this from many years but in practical, does this really happen? May be happened once or twice, but not definitely all the time whenever I needed them to be with me. Every time I had been in pain or when I expected someone to be just there for me no matter what, everyone was busy with their own priorities. I don’t say that’s wrong, everyone has right to prioritize things as per their needs and wish but the feeling that no one is there for me when I need someone has been hitting me hard for years and still continues to be so.
I always feel and share this with my closest friends around that people are available for me as per their convenience and not really when I need someone. It is always about their priorities, their possibilities, their issues, their responsibilities and the list would go on. And after all these, if they have some free time, they would come to me to check if I exist or not. Be it family or friends, I agree that no one can be there with you in person all the time. I am not that immature as well to expect this. I am more concerned about people being there for me emotionally. Sometimes, I am forced to think don’t I have a family, don’t I have responsibilities, possibilities, priorities in my life? Then why am I not able to give these as excuses to the people and just make myself available for everyone all the time? Is it a strength or a weakness? May be a strength to them but weakness for me as it has not gained me anything apart from heartbreaks and pain in my life.
The phone rings, and I pick it up right away. I get a message on my phone, irrespective of where I am or what am I doing, I reply back to people as soon as I see their message. Someone comes and asks me for a favor or some help, I just say yes and just jump in. And yes guys, I have been doing this for last so many years and nothing has changed the way it made me feel every time. But how long is the question? Why am I not doing anything about it is the question I always put to myself? But again, the same weakness of convincing myself saying people and relation comes into picture. Being available to a friend or someone in need or willing to pitch in a difficult situation is a good thing, at least I have always been taught the same by my elders. But constantly living my life this way comes with a cost is what they missed teaching me and I had learned it many a times in my life myself and that too in a very hard way. One thing I have learned in this process, which is the mere fact of life it that you cannot be everything to everyone. So, people are invariably left disappointed and so am I. I don’t say that there is no one there for me, it’s just about who understands your inner feelings and make themselves available for you at that point of time. When I say being available for me doesn’t always seem physical but might be available emotionally as well. I might not seem to be fair to all but as I said I am putting everything here which is purely my perception towards things and moreover my personal experiences which made me feel so, that’s it.
In today’s world, everyone is expected to do it all. But the truth is that we are a human being – a mere mortal and that our resources are finite. We need to make ourselves understand our own limits. And when we are dealing with a limited quantity of anything, we need to plan how we are going to use that thing to its maximum potential. In other words, it’s time to evaluate your priorities and what truly is (and isn’t) a good use of your limited resources. I have understood this hard reality of life that if I am making myself easily available and accessible to all, gradually at one point of time, I would lose my importance, and this would shatter my confidence and break me inside completely. May be finally, after fighting with these emotions for so many years, I can now say that I am ready to accept these and pull myself back from being easily available to others. I know this is not easy for me to change something which I have been doing for so long, but nothing comes free of cost, when we have a strong will to achieve something for us, we need to work hard towards it and earn that thing. Self-esteem also is one important and essential thing for me in my life and hence am glad that at least I am now willing to put the efforts and earn this back into my life with a positive mindset.
I need to understand what’s not there in my lane. I know I have commitments I have responsibilities to uphold. I am bound to abide by the agreed-upon rules of the relationships in my life and to follow through on the promises I have already made. I need to learn to be my own best friend. I would never want to see my friend suffering under the burden of endless to do lists. And I certainly wouldn’t be the person who dumps task after task on that friend – making her feel bad about her limitations while not expressing gratitude for what she’s done above and beyond the call of duty. So why do I do that to myself? I feel it’s high time that I start treating myself the way I treat my dear ones. I should put myself back on the list of my priorities. And above everything else, it is important to teach people how they treat me. When I would value myself, my time, my priorities and my well-being, people will be more inclined to treat me as valuable. I know that this would not be easy to achieve but I have always believed that there is no such thing which can’t be achieved. It’s only about putting the right efforts in a right way and having a belief that we can do that. Of course, in the process of achieving this utmost satisfaction for myself, I might have to deal with some boundary busters in my life. These are the people who truly don’t care about my needs, my limitations, my priorities or my emotions. Initially, it might really be difficult for me to say a no to someone when I actually feel like saying yes as I am habituated to it. But again, I need to understand that the solution might not be necessarily easy for someone with empathy to do. I should start learning to convince myself that the other person’s reaction to my perfectly reasonable no is their problem and I shouldn’t be cursing myself about it.
“Love yourself enough to set boundaries in your life. Your time and energy are precious and you get to decide how you use them. You treat people how to treat you by deciding what you will and won’t accept” – Anna Taylor.
I love this quote by Anna Taylor and I can so relate to myself in the present state of mind. I don’t want people or relationships in my life have any kind of negative impact because of my emotional and weak state of mind. I just want to allow myself to set up positive and healthy boundaries. To say no to what does not align with my values and to say yes to what does. I am clear to set boundaries about having the courage to love myself even if I take a risk of disappointing others, at least sometimes if not all the time. I don’t deny that few people in my life really push me hard to be best of myself all the time. They understand and bear all my tantrums and mood swings because of these emotional break downs in my life for various reasons. I still say and believe that people and relationships are more important to me than other things in my life, but I would still take a back step sometimes to define my self-esteem and self-valued emotions for my internal happiness.
Most of time, in general, people focus on the physical health and don’t give that high importance to the emotional well-being for themselves or others. But, friends, let me tell you one greatest lesson life has thrown on me multiple times. Being emotionally strong and healthy is equally important as the physical health. People call it mental health, but I define it as emotional health as this seems to be more positive for myself. Emotional health is not a destination, but a continuous process. It’s all about how I drive my life and not where I am intended to go. Everyone has wounds that never show on the body, but they are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds. I have seen that many people hesitate in telling others about their emotional state as openly as they talk about the physical health issues. Maybe, even, I was one of those people until recent times. Though I have had anxiety and emotional break down issues for quite few times in my past, I have never openly spoken about it to anyone and struggled to fight and overcome it myself.
Now as I enter into my 40s, I realize that it is ok not to be ok all the time. Our emotions, our feelings, our strengths or our weaknesses are always not in our favor and that’s absolutely fine. I don’t need to hesitate or feel bad about talking these things openly. Recently, my mindset has been really behaving weird. I don’t know if these are the outcomes of the hormonal changes in the body because of the age or the result of few emotional imbalances I have been facing in few relationships of life. But everything coming together at a time, it has been hitting me really hard. Last few months have not been easy on me to face few unexpected incidents in my life, few expected heartbreaks, some sudden developments and few not so expected twists in my life. I will not say that everything happened was negative or painful. Few bonds and attachments have given meaning to my existing void life but again the influence of the other strong negative emotions make me fear of losing these as well going ahead. They say right, that mind doesn’t have heart and the heart can’t think practically as it does not have brain. This is funny but true. Few statements like we should not have expectations from people, and all are good to just read in books. But in reality, it actually doesn’t work out. After all we all humans right. So, when we are emotionally connected to someone, it is but obvious that we would have at least minimum expectations from that person. I feel if there are no emotions and expectations in any kind of emotional relationship, what is the purpose of being in it. I have personally experienced this many a times in my life. At one point of time, I used to tell people that having lot of expectations would not give them anything than just pain and heartbreaks. Of course, this was at the time when I was not that emotionally invested in things or people around me and hence it was easy for me to give suggestions to others. But if I talk about the present me, I will not hesitate to accept the fact that my emotional state of mind is not the same anymore. May be because of the circumstances or the life experiences or the age factor, I have surprisingly turned out to be sensitive and emotional towards few things and few relationships. Why? I am still doing my research to find out the answer to this and would surely share with you all if at all I am able to analyze the same. Jokes apart, but the present situation in which I see myself is not so positive and favoring one. This change in my mindset has made me get into the emotional zone most of the times. But that doesn’t again mean that I am connected to everyone around me. There is always this comfort zone for each one of us which makes us connect with those people emotionally. So is the case with me as well.
You might think what is the problem if I am connected with someone emotionally, right? The answer to this question might differ from person to person. For me, I would say it is both half and half. It means sometimes it might be good and healthy for me but sometimes, it does tear apart the peace of mind for me as well as for the opposite person. I am still trying to understand few basic realities of the mindset of people around me. If I put my 100% in any relationship from my end, is it unfair to expect at least a bit from the other person? I think it’s a fair expectation or else the relationship can be seen as just a one sided one and there is no point of having it at all. When I say relationship, it can be anything and not just any specific one. It is like only if both the hands come together in equal proportion and in the same direction, we can clap. I feel only if there is equal amount of willingness and interest from both the sides, there will be a possibility to have a genuine relationship or else it will be for just namesake or may be carried for temporary happiness of either or both of them. I might again be blunt in saying this but am sure no one would deny to accept it. Can you have same feelings or same level of emotions with two people? My answer would be a straight no. The intensity or the intention would always defer. I always tell people around not to travel on two boats at the same time. It will not help you to travel for a long time in that way. It might sometime be difficult but important to choose any one boat and yes, this would only happen if you are clear of what you want and what your priority is. I have of course never experienced this for myself but have seen people coming to me going through this confusion. This always made me think if they are in a relationship already or like someone at some corner of their heart, why would they develop the same feeling towards me and vice versa. It is too confusing for me to decide what is what but as I have never put myself in this box, might be difficult for me to think of a possible solution for this. So, I just could suggest the other people to think and do what would make them happy. I would say it is always good to follow your heart when it is related to your emotions and feelings. No suggestions or advices would help you to get a clear picture of what is what and moreover you are the best person to understand what your heart needs. Again, all this what I have been talking about is not in a generic sense and I am penning down only my real time experiences in life. All this has not been easy for me. I am still going through some difficult battles within myself while dealing with these feelings, emotions, bondings, relations, pain and the list goes on.
After all these, I have broken down emotionally which further shattered my confidence levels, and I started feeling more anxious and depressed. I could see unimaginable mood swings and the battle of emotions inside me, which sometimes am unable to even explain it to anyone. People who really are very close to me and do understand me in and out are no doubt able to make it and are trying to make me feel better. But again, the question is how long would they do, can they be available or accessible for me day in day out all the time? No. It is definitely not possible for anyone, and I need to accept this no matter what. Above, I was talking about respecting the boundaries of other people right. But lately, I realize that I have not been following this practically myself. Then, what right do I have to tell this to others when I myself am not following them. Even after knowing all these realities of life, I still continued to have expectations from everyone and when those were not met, I started putting myself in lot of pain. Because of all this, I was hurting myself and others as well. I had no clue whom to talk to about all this, who will understand even if I talk about all this and who can help me pull me out of all these things? All I knew was I am fine not fine and needed help. One day suddenly I decided to just go and see a therapist. That was not an easy decision, but I had to do this for myself, if not for anyone else in the world. After couple of therapy sessions with my therapist, I realized that I am not able to be fair and real in front of her. Then, what is the point of spending so much of time and money was one doubt in my mind. But as a passing cloud, it did help me to an extent to suppress my emotions and feel better temporarily at that point of time. But after few days, once I got used to being fine and normal, the same cycle started repeating. The same set of emotions and expectations kept popping up in my mind and were bothering me in and out. This made me behave weirdly with people around and sometimes, it made them feel upset about it. In this whole process, I realized that neither I am being happy with myself, nor I am allowing others to have a reason to be happy with me. They say that a real heartbreak changes people and not necessarily always in a negative way. Few emotions give us pain at that moment but help us to get more stronger going forward. And this is what exactly happened with me. Sometimes painful things can teach the lessons that we didn’t think we needed to know.
But in this process of this self-healing and self-managing, I understand one thing very clearly. If we tune our mind as per what we want to do, it would surely follow the instructions. The only thing we need to do is put the right kind of efforts for the right amount of time. This might not happen overnight and might take long time but never mind, as at the end, it will always be a win-win situation.
“We do not heal the past by dwelling there; we heal the past by living fully in the present” – Marianne Williamson. It’s quite easy to get caught up in the negative emotions associated with bad things that happen to us. But it is really important for each one of us to accept the situation and move on with a smile on our face. Put it behind us and prove to the world that we are more than OKAY. We are strong and amazing. A smile can really empower us. It can cause our brain to release happy chemicals that would make us feel good and help us move on from a negative situation. A smile is the best thing we can do for ourselves after we accept the situation. I have promised myself, no matter what I will not let others’ actions define my happiness going forward. I would have my own set of strong reasons to define my own happiness in life. Life is very unpredictable. Only today is mine and I really don’t know what tomorrow has for me. I cannot keep crying for something which might never happen at all in life. I have come to a point where if people value me, I am happy and if they don’t, still I want to be happy. If someone talks to me, I will happily talk and if someone does not want to talk, I will happily take a back step. If someone messages me, I will reply and if they don’t, that’s still fine. May be, gradually I will get used to not getting those messages and calls as I expect and then I would stop waiting for those. I am learning to control my thoughts, practice self-care and self-love, develop more kindness and compassion and above everything else, become a new ME!
An Epiphany is the sudden awareness or realization that a person gains through any specific experience in life. I am sure every one of us might have experienced such moments in life which might have changed our life completely. Earlier, I never believed that this is possible but lately I started believing that we do experience such epiphany moments in our life and trust me, it impacts our life in a huge way. In an epiphany moment, we can either sink or swim. It depends on our mind set and perception towards the emotions generated by that epiphany moment of our life. In other words, epiphany moment is one which changes your perception towards something in life and after that, your life is no more the same. It creates a different magic and doubles your energy towards the life. Does this seem like any fairytale or a movie scene to you? No wonder, coz even I used to think the same until I have experienced this magic in my life. I started believing that epiphanies are the big moments that help make sense of our life, and they have ripple effects that are true for everyone, and not just us. Life is too unpredictable. When I say this, it is not just re-iterating the quote but sharing the experience of life. In these many years of personal experience with the game called life, I have seen and experienced all kinds of phases. Every difficult phase in life had given me terror but I always somehow got the courage to face it and overcome it. It is so true when they say that life just goes on. It never pauses or stops, no matter what it just keeps going and so do we. We might experience a difficult phase or situation in life or might be leading a completely tough life for years, but still this should not stop us from moving ahead.
I believe that life isn’t meant to be lived perfectly, but merely to be lived boldly, wildly, beautifully, uncertainly, imperfectly and magically. If we believe in magic, we’ll live a magical life. If we believe our life is defined by narrow limits, we’ve suddenly made those beliefs real. An epiphany moment is the one which creates that magic in your life. It might be a moment with yourself, your family, your friends, a moment at your workplace, or may be with some unexpected person or an incident which just changes every bit of your life after that magical moment. To identify or believe in such magical moments of life, it is important for us to believe in our heart that we are meant to live a life full of passion, purpose, magic and miracles. The moment you understand and accept the reality of life, you tend to focus on tiny tiny miracles hidden in life. Have you ever experienced any situation in your life where you have few people who have been present in your life since many years but they were not present in the closest circle of your life or had any major influence on you? But all of a sudden, you start feeling that they are a very important part of your life and your life has become more beautiful by their close presence in it. Or, have you ever felt that the work you do everyday which has become a major part of your mechanical life and suddenly one day at a particular point, you feel this is the work you love to do and you see yourself giving your best at it? Have you ever experienced a phase where you felt that life has been tough at you and you are tired of living the same old tough life and suddenly there is something that happens in your life which gives you a positive hope and you start living your tough life happily or may be you start thinking of changing this tough life into a happier one? If yes, then these are those small magical epiphany moments of your lives which gives you a hope towards a better and happier tomorrow.
Many a times we feel that life has never been the way we had imagined it to be and get upset because of not meeting those expectations in life. But if you think deep on this thought, it is important for us to analyze, realize and understand that life might give us hundreds of reasons to worry and get upset with it but it will also give you one strong reason to be happy and feel blessed and that one reason is enough for us to change our life into a happier place to live in. It is just that we need to identify and understand what that one reason is. It might be in form of a person, passion, work or a responsibility. Life never fails to give us options at every stage of our journey but it is we who don’t put efforts to see them or realize that they are the best ones for us and that they might change our life forever. Once we realize this and are sure about what we feel and identify that magical epiphanies of our life, there will never be looking back again to the darker side of the life. Life will suddenly seem to be like the best and nothing less than a fairytale. These epiphanies are ideas, answers, but they are also questions. They are questions, that when asked, create a shift that you can feel undoing limiting beliefs. The moment of epiphany is a beautiful gift in life. Who does not like gifts, right? A small child residing within each one of us gets excited on the name of gift. Realizing that there is some special quality within us that shines brightly or that there is someone very special in our life who makes all the efforts in the world to bring one smile on our face and is happy even if he/she does not get anything in return other than that smile is definitely a best gift life can give us and it is no doubt a rewarding one. This feeling of insight can be the lantern we hold to light our way. I still remember the years of feeling aimless and carrying all the other emotions that tag along. I remember the vagueness of partially seeing or feeling that I was more than what I actually was. But like so many of us, I couldn’t quite cut through the fog and it was disheartening and frustrating. So when I finally started having these moments of epiphany in my life, it’s almost undeniable and irreversibly motivating to see the best change in my life. Realizing what is the most special gift or ability can lead us to discovering a life filled with full of love and happiness. And this is definitely a life changing experience. Have you ever felt that life isn’t fair? Well, that’s true sometimes and at some point of life, each one of us might agree to this thought. But after experiencing all the magic life has given me, I feel we can make it fair, if we try enough for it. Sometimes, we carry on with our lives blind to certain injustices. But the day when we realize that something isn’t okay and we should do something about it, is the day when we find our potential for powerful change. I would like to tell each one of you out there to experience these epiphany moments in your life but I would only hope that your epiphany is morally clear and does no harm to anyone. Because, this epiphany moments can make us brave, empowered and unstoppable at times.
There are ultimately two choices in life – To fight it or to embrace it. If you fight it, you will lose but if your embrace it, you become one with it and you will live the life to the best possible way. I have learned a best lesson through the experiences life has shown me that it is important to embrace your individuality. Love what you love without worrying about the judgement. You might have limitations on your actions but you don’t have any limitations on your emotions or on the way you feel for someone or something in your life which makes you happy. We must travel our own journey at our own pace; should not rush the process or assume that we have to accept someone else’s choices for our life. Keep all your worries aside and just follow the path your heart takes you. Remember, worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow but it empties today of its strength. It is required for all of us to understand and agree to the point that life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. We are not suppose to resist them coz that only creates sorrow. We need to let the reality be the reality. We need to let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like. If there is something which is happening in our life naturally then we should accept it as it is meant to be in our life. If you have a strong will of something to happen in your life, don’t wait for the opportunity but rather create an opportunity and put your efforts in making it happen as your happiness lies in it. Take small risks, face the challenges, overcome your fears, get inspired by others, have the focus on your goals, be confident about yourself, feel blessed and embrace every moment of your life.
